I have not been consistent with this... I really want to but I don't think that my life is great enough to spread around and let the world read about it. I'm not sure what my problem is, but I constantly compare myself to other people. Don't get me wrong. I'm a very happy person, I'm completely and TOTALLY happy with my life! I have an amazing Husband who I could not have picked better myself. God has completely blessed me with him and the pathways that He has brought us to. I think that my insecurities max me out sometimes though... For some reason I find myself thinking about my weight and how I don't feel pretty and think... "How did I let myself get here?" I'm not fat. I'm just out of shape. I've gained probably 20 lbs since high-school and that is overwhelming to me.
I constantly look at other women and think about the way that their clothes fit and think... man I wish I looked like them... WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!? I mean really. I am not that bad looking and I'm not completely overweight! What is it about this life that makes me so insecure?? My Husband loves me and thinks that I look good... Why is it so hard for me to grasp??
I just want to get to the point where I can finally say... I'm content with the way that I look. I'm not worried about what other people think about me, because I feel pretty. I want to feel invigorated & confident in myself... Why do women have so many insecurities?? I try to remind myself that God made me the way I am and to "pretend" confident... But it never fails... the dang mirror gets in the way and my magnifiers kick in... I'm sorry... That's really enough venting. To conclude from that verbal abuse to myself lol...
I am such a blessed woman. No matter what I have done in my past... God has completely redeemed who I am and what I have done for the better. I only hope that one day God will see fit to use me in ways that will help other people to either heal from my mistakes, or learn from them. I want so badly to take more time for people... but life gets sooo busy that I can barely make time for myself. That is my goal for this month. I want to be more involved in my devotions. I want to be more involved with my husband. I want to be more involved with my friends. Mainly and above all of that I want to be more involved with God. I have been such an angry person lately and I think it is because I have not really taken the time to sit down and let God take the frustration away from me. I tend to lean on myself and beat myself up... Then I get to an emotional breaking point and realize... HEY, You're not alone! You don't have to face this by yourself! You can cast your cares on HIM! And allow these burdens to lift...
The worst thing is...
What if I am missing opportunities by not being in the place that God wants me to be??
What if I am so consumed in my insecurities and my concerns that I am not allowing God to use me and I am not showing the Love of God???
--These things are so much greater than my insecurities of who I am and what I look like... It breaks my heart to think that one day I will face the Almighty God and have his head hang low and say, "Why didn't you do all that you could?" "Why were you so consumed in your insecurities and YOURSELF?"
So.... needless to say... This crap stops now! I am going to be confident in the way God made me. I'm going to do better in all that I eat and try my best to be a healthier me, so that I'm not so fed up with how I look. I'm not going to be soooo consumed in MYSELF! I'm going to try and take a leap and think about others and learn how to reconnect with people. I'm going to slack off of Facebook and reconnect with my Husband. I'm going to write more letters and learn to take time away from electronics... I'm going to dig into devotions and pray for God to teach me where I am lacking so that I can experience opportunities He is waiting to share with me! I'm done moping... This is the Day the Lord Has Made... I will Rejoice and Be Glad in It!
